actually, I'm a sock model
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
