does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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