I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
