Jerry, you need to find god
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
