I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
