This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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