he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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