you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
