You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish I only lived at night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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