are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
