dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
