dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
