I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He shit in the fireplace
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
