If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
