Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
