shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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