Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize