I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
