I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
