The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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