I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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