I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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