ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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