I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
