My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
