I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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