She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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