Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
