Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize