I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
