woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
