go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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