Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
