Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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