Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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