As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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