I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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