I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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