remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
