I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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