Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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