Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
