i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize