either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
