No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just pee around me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
