No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish you could order shots online.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize