Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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