So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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