why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
