yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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