If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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