The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
