I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
