I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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