i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
